Recently I've been so muddled with thoughts that anything I had to do with a submissive/kink lifestyle has gone by the wayside.
I think I'd tucked it neatly away and assumed it'd stay put.
I've put on my conductors cap and began to plug away at dominating myself, my family and my life.
It's only been recently that I began thinking if that (That whole world) would ever become part of my life again once I was alone.
That's a scary thought, and a somewhat sad one.
This is a LONG one, so... if you want to read it.. grab a snack and a drink.
To say I believe that time is fleeting is an understatement, and to even think about restarting life in my mid 40s is completely another.
It's overwhelming... and makes me just want to stop in my tracks.
I'm almost certain that I can't do this at times.
If and when I ever become self independent will I want to explore companionship in any means?
Based on my last blog, I feel pretty set that all I want is to just be alone, but this weekend while I allowed myself to become immersed in music, I had a few memories of a time where I did in fact feel in a place to be accepting of love.
I quickly snapped the music off and tried to remain in my focus of self exploration in the realm of commiting to never be involved in that aspect of life again.
Sadly I realized that was hypocritical of me to say I wanted to be alone to focus on self exploration, when in fact part of self exploration could also include discovering feelings for another person again...
It's just... Finding another person in life is so complicated, and even IF there was an interest for a person like me... that interest is so complicated that I fear the other person would give up before it even started... then couple that with my want for one day maybe being close enough to someone to have that kink back in my life.
I honestly would surely just shirk away from that I think.. because coming to terms with even dabbling in that lifestyle in the beginning here was a lot of toe dipping and awkward.
For me to find someone that I'd even become comfortable with will be a long process.
For one, understanding and coming to terms with being Demisexual is a major factor here.
While many people this this whole Ace Unbrella is just another way for people to pull attention at being "different" I for one believe it to be a saving grace because it defines me to a T
For info on what a Demi is, click here to a nice little cartoon explaining it.
Demisexuality
Finally figuring out that I'm a demisexual and that there is in fact, nothing wrong with me has been extremely enlightening.
I finally feel ok with a whole part of me that I've shamed for years.
When I think back on it, I was far late in the game before I got my first realization of being "different"
LONG STORY WARNING!!!!
I think it was around the age of 12 when I started getting teased at home about it.
12 is an age where most girls were beginning to awaken and leave their play things behind.
I remember my mother yelling at me as I'd wake up, grab a bowl of cereal and rush outside to find the neighbor boys...
"You can't run off and play like that forever you know! You've got to grow up one day!" She would yell as I slammed the door.
I never knew what she was talking about until that next year.
Literally EVERY girl I knew began to change.
My very best friend, who also happened to be my cousin was one of the first to go.
My cousin and I were extremely close, closer than I was to my own sister.
My cousin was about 8 months younger than I was. My mom and her sister were also close and I was raised being with my cousin J since the moment she was born.
We were thick as thieves. Either the very best friends, or we'd fight like cats endlessly.
None of that mattered though because by the end of the day, we'd be begging to PLEASE just please let us spend the night together, we wouldn't fight and we'd be good girls... lol
Of course our mothers would oblige and either she'd be in my bedroom or I'd be in hers with one of us being exchanged in the morning.
We stay up late and talk for hours. We played, build secret forts in my closet, or sneak around her house in the dark pretending to be spies.
We were both very different though. She had a slew of barbies and ever accessory for them and I had Army men, dirt bikes, and baby dolls.
While I had my girly side, I mostly was a tomboy. We both loved roller skating and riding bikes though and playing with neighbor boys of course!
Many a night were spent playing ghosts in the graveyard, tag and hide and seek until the street lights came on in her neighborhood with a small group of kids.
But when we were approaching 13... My cousin and those boys all began to change.
I was the only one left behind, not even understanding what was happening.
That summer, my cousin began to care about what she looked like. She wanted to walk to the corner store all the time and she wasn't interested in buying candy anymore... She was into Make up.
Make up? *sigh* BORING!
She also began caring about growing breasts, wearing a bra and curling her hair... I was in shock!
" Ewww J! why would you want those?" I'd tease. "Boobs are so grosssss"
Luckily for me, I basically looked like a boy, I was skinny and flat chested with not a single hint of puberty about me... but J was different.
She was already to become curvy and noticed it.
I reluctantly went along with J's new found fun which was rather boring to me... this all consisted of washing her hair a lot, figuring out how to put on make up, bra wearing, bra stuffing and then... BOYS.
Suddenly she liked them and not in the same way that I did.
She wanted to "like like" them... I had no clue what that meant.
Even though she was younger than me, she was the one to explain just about everything there was to know about BOYS and how to get one.
I honestly didn't care too much about it, in fact, when I was at my own home (which was basically farm land and a large wooded area) that I only thought about boys as adventuring in the woods, making stew and mud pies with and going creeking with them.. I just saw them as "kids" and nothing more.
This was one of the first times I questioned why I didn't like boys. I mean what's to like?
J explained that they were "cute" and some looked better than others, didn't I see that?
She liked one especially and wanted to do all these things to make him like her.
The hair, the make up, the bra stuffing.. what was it all for? She wanted him to like her, and not just like her, but like her enough to KISS her...
OH my god I thought.. EW!
But as that summer grew on, I followed J's lead and did all the things she did.
I saw that when I came back to school and began 7th grade.. every other girl had been doing the same thing.
Luckily for me, I knew of one or two that was not that interested in it all.
As my cousin and I attended different school districts, mine more rural and her's more urban, I was exposed to less of the girly girls for those first few emerging years as she was.
I mostly kept to myself and a few slower closer friends.
I befriended a small mousy girl named Emily, who had a deep imagination span and we became fast friends.
Although we were turning 13, we still played with baby dolls, sticks, tree forts and poking around the creek beds.
She and I would still play in the realm of pretend world for hours on end.
It was nice really to fully be immersed in that and not have a care in the world.
The ultimate in Peter Pan syndrome I guess
But even that began to change.
While I struggled with my body beginning to change, I also became torn between two worlds.
I secretly began chest binding when I noticed the tiniest of bumps beginning and literally died of embarrassment every time yet another girl would talk about getting her monthlies.
I did NOT want that to happen to me and lucky me again, I was late to bloom and didn't have to worry about that for quite some time... but I had other things to worry about.
My quieter, maybe more "nerdier" friends began to filter away, as It was more and more apparent that simply based on my looks and somewhat silly personality, I was becoming more attractive to other people.
I'd heard it before, some from my cousin and some even from my own mother.
"Why do you hang out with those geeks!" my cousin would say, "You're hilarious and even ___ and ___ think so and they are older!" or she'd tell me "You could be so beautiful! You just need some work"
"You need to settle yourself with better people" my mother would tell me... "It's time to grow up"
I was at a loss, but being somewhat of a follower at that time, I took my cousins lead and cleaned myself up and became interested in becoming one of the "popular" girls.
It wasn't easy, but I made three new friends that next year in 8th grade.
J loved them of course, they were like her.
They all had poufy hair, would spend endless hours at the mall and while everyone else around me finally accepted that I was growing up, quitting my childish ways and becoming that "teen queen" persona...But, I was feeling like I was caught in the worlds biggest lie of all time.
I was unhappy, but I began to just take stock in watching what everyone else was doing and then trying to emulate it myself.
If my new friends Lea, Mel and Amy were into something.. I was into something... and it always seemed that whatever Lea, Mel and Amy were into, J of course already new about as well and yes, she was into that too..
From boy bands to clothing, hairstyles and shoes - they all knew what to do.
I felt like an alien
I was depressed but didn't want to be left out or alone, so I did the hair, wore the clothes, and did my best as the little sheep that I was....
-END OF PART ONE -