Tuesday, February 18, 2020

The world is quiet here



The Garden of Proserpine

Here, where the world is quiet;
         Here, where all trouble seems
Dead winds' and spent waves' riot
         In doubtful dreams of dreams;
I watch the green field growing
For reaping folk and sowing,
For harvest-time and mowing,
         A sleepy world of streams.

I am tired of tears and laughter,
         And men that laugh and weep;
Of what may come hereafter
         For men that sow to reap:
I am weary of days and hours,
Blown buds of barren flowers,
Desires and dreams and powers
         And everything but sleep.

Here life has death for neighbour,
         And far from eye or ear
Wan waves and wet winds labour,
         Weak ships and spirits steer;
They drive adrift, and whither
They wot not who make thither;
But no such winds blow hither,
         And no such things grow here.

No growth of moor or coppice,
         No heather-flower or vine,
But bloomless buds of poppies,
         Green grapes of Proserpine,
Pale beds of blowing rushes
Where no leaf blooms or blushes
Save this whereout she crushes
         For dead men deadly wine.

Pale, without name or number,
         In fruitless fields of corn,
They bow themselves and slumber
         All night till light is born;
And like a soul belated,
In hell and heaven unmated,
By cloud and mist abated
         Comes out of darkness morn.

Though one were strong as seven,
         He too with death shall dwell,
Nor wake with wings in heaven,
         Nor weep for pains in hell;
Though one were fair as roses,
His beauty clouds and closes;
And well though love reposes,
         In the end it is not well.

Pale, beyond porch and portal,
         Crowned with calm leaves, she stands
Who gathers all things mortal
         With cold immortal hands;
Her languid lips are sweeter
Than love's who fears to greet her
To men that mix and meet her
         From many times and lands.

She waits for each and other,
         She waits for all men born;
Forgets the earth her mother,
            The life of fruits and corn;
And spring and seed and swallow
Take wing for her and follow
Where summer song rings hollow
         And flowers are put to scorn.

There go the loves that wither,
         The old loves with wearier wings;
And all dead years draw thither,
         And all disastrous things;
Dead dreams of days forsaken,
Blind buds that snows have shaken,
Wild leaves that winds have taken,
         Red strays of ruined springs.

We are not sure of sorrow,
         And joy was never sure;
To-day will die to-morrow;
         Time stoops to no man's lure;
And love, grown faint and fretful,
With lips but half regretful
Sighs, and with eyes forgetful
         Weeps that no loves endure.

From too much love of living,
         From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
         Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
         Winds somewhere safe to sea.

Then star nor sun shall waken,
         Nor any change of light:
Nor sound of waters shaken,
         Nor any sound or sight:
Nor wintry leaves nor vernal,
Nor days nor things diurnal;
Only the sleep eternal
         In an eternal night.



Monday, February 3, 2020

oblivion

I don't want to be myself.

I don't like myself.

I don't like the feelings that I have inside.

I don't want to want someone to care for me, comfort me and be there for me.
And at the same time, I just want someone to take it all away for me.
There's never been anyone to make me feel ok and safe.
I always have to do that myself.
There is no one mentally stable enough to depend on besides myself.

I feel awkward.
I feel stupid

If I saw me or met me somewhere I wouldn't like them at all.
I don't have anything of interest to say.
I'm mostly invisible
and for the most part, that is ok.
That is where I belong, for I am only here to observe and not to interact or impact.

I've started packing away my things today.
Everything I touch to box up hurts me inside like someone is thrusting a post through my chest.

Every bit of me that is a piece tied to a memory is a gutless waste because they matter to no one else but me.
The value is lost and will never be seen.

I am here as a vessel for others and when I'm not needed I do not believe that I have a purpose.

I can not separate guiding others lives and having one of my own because I do not understand it.
I feel as if I do not deserve it so packing myself up and away is the right things to do.

I can only be here to do my duties and that is all.

I can only guess time will tell me when I am done.

There is nothing more.


There is no one

Hadn't heard this song in forever. It came off an old playlist I had on my ipod that I found.
Interestingly it made me think if there was a time when I cared enough about another person that I felt like they were my only one.
That confuses me greatly in this stage of life because I almost feel that way right now yet... while it feels as if my heart could be close to someone on that level, there's to many things wrong that would even allow that to ever happen again for me. Like seeing something you can not touch nor ever grasp. 



Only one - Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now, 
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces.
And I've thrown my words all around,
But I can't, I can't give you a reason.
I feel so broken up (so broken up),
And I give up (I give up),
I just want to tell you so you know..
Here I go,
Scream my lungs out and try to get to you,
You are my only one.
I let go,
There's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only,
My only one.
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long.
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when your gone.
And something's breaking up (breaking up),
I feel like giving up (like giving up),
I won't walk out until you know..
Here I go
Scream my lungs out and try to get to you,
You are my only one.
I let go
There's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only,
My only one.
Here I go,
So dishonestly.
Leave a note
For you my only one.
And I know,
You can see right through me.
So let me go
And you will find someone.
Here I go,
Scream my lungs out and try to get to you,
You are my only one.
I let go,
There's just no one, no one like you
You are my only,
My only one.
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only,
My only one.

Monday, January 27, 2020

fragmental

Today I tried explaining my numbness to someone... just a quick little snippet of where I am mentally.. while I found it bland and even somewhat humorous, they did not.

I explained the state I am in by telling her this:

This morning while I was online here, I was sitting on my couch with my laptop and stand in my lap writing.. I sit here most days cross legged in my hoodie just existing on the wonders of the internet.

I'm so just over life's little things that when I accidently hit my can of soda on the small stand next to me with my elbow, and it rolled over onto the couch and onto the side of my thigh... that I just sat here..

I sat here feeling the soda spill out from the can, onto the couch and my pants.. then felt the cool as it foamed and seeped past my bum.. and over to the other side of my legs...

I didn't hop up, or move or DO anything except feel.
I sat here for several minutes completely wet underneath...
It was just nothing.
No reaction

Eventually.. I got up. I got a few towels and threw them onto the couch, I changed my pants, socks and underwear... and that was that..

I have no reaction. I don't see it as a bad thing at all though really.

*sigh*


You know... I wanted to use blogging to sort my feelings out, but it seems that it's not the case.

I don't know why but I feel even more befuddled as I write.

Maybe that's the numbness talking.

But nothing makes sense anymore.

I'm full of rage and anger.

My desire to just flip everything off like a switch grows.

What happened to my compassion? My soft side? My optimism?

Is it the lack of control in all things that sets me into a spiral? Things I can not change?
Things I can not see past?
Things I just don't want to do?

I'm raw and numb.
I'm tired of everyone around me, I wish them to vanish into nothingness. I wish them to stop asking me questions, stop looking to me for answers, stop needing me in general for anything..

but...

why is that?

If I'm no longer needed am I then free?

Free of what?

Guilt? Responsibility? Free of the moulding of other humans?
Free of the worry that something I say or do will be the wrong thing?

If I had my wish and the world suddenly stopped for me, what would I do?

That I do not know.

All I know is that every day feels like it's measured in milliseconds that I am forced to watch and push through.

I am tired of having to pull myself together and be cognitive.

At the very least I can know that it isn't logical to feel this way at all.
I have enough sense to know it's wrong but I grow tired of trying to right it every day, every hour, every minute.

I know how to look at the brighter things yet they somehow seem to irritate me now.

I do not care for myself in this state.
I don't even want to be around myself like this.

What does one do when they know it's all wrong?

Is this the anger stage and if so, when does it turn into acceptance?

Maybe it's because I'm under the weather and the twins have been sick for over a week.. Maybe it's because every time I see H I want to scream.
It's 1001 things inside feelings all in one person and seeing him reminds me of all of it.

I juggle the anger and the guilt hand in hand.
Anger, guilt, annoyance, pity


There is no way to be guilt free in any of this. But, when realizing guilt, what does one do with it?

I have no idea.




Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Standstill





Many days I sit around in a standstill.

I can only assume it's crippling depression taking it's hold.

I can still remember the way I used to be, the me that I am jealous of. The me that I'm pretty sure I don't deserve to be.

Happy, silly, making jokes all the time. Almost bouncing about whenever I'd do things and be out and about.
I once remember someone describing me as "animated" and I can only assume that in that form, I probably was.

When people talk of depression, it's often assumed that this state I'm currently in, is the norm.
This is the bad days stage. The typical.

I don't want to do anything.
Everything is greyed over, boring, has no interest and I have no energy to deal with any of it.

These days are standstills.

I'm in there, I know I am. I know a chemical imbalance has it's hold on me.
I can use all the logic and self talk in the world to force my body to go through the motions.

But it's all exhausting.

And remembering how easy it used to be to just do these things, be productive, active, happy and free makes me now have a deep resentment for the cloud I currently hang in.

Yet, I can not free myself from it.

On days like today I understand the feelings people have where they think they'd want to end it all.

And no, I don't want to end it all but what if I wanted to just simply cease to exist in this manner? or exist to others at all?

Is it possible to erase yourself from people's lives?

I think it is.

Is that a fate closer to death without taking the path of death?

So that you simply fade away without harming those around you and they just eventually forget about you?

Sounds like an easy way out, which both death and disappearing are... But they are also both extreme coping mechanisms.

And honestly the latter is far less painful on others, since taking one's life is full of selfish qualities and does nothing but hurt the ones left over.

I want to literally fade away.

Now this is simple to the general public.

I can and have been progressing through slowly fading away.

I've downed my business, I've stop going many places with people, I only do things in isolation and in these final stages... I'm slowly picking off those closest to me.

Without opening a can of worms that is my brain, I have over time, iced out my husband because I can not bear my own feelings towards him, I've pulled away from my family saying I just need time to sort things out and I've dropped my friend base (Not that I had a lot left anyways) to all just live inside myself.

The only things I can even cope with are my children and they get me at around 65%.
They are my sole motivation at this point and the rest is how secluded I can become inside my head.

The thing is.. this is what I want right now.
So that begs the question, why is it wrong? Maybe some people are just better off left to their own devices.
Do I only feel this way because of depression? and if I wasn't would there suddenly be a change of heart? because I honestly don't know.. I feel as if I've felt this pull for years and just ignored it.

If I somehow was an overnight millionaire you can be guaranteed that I would take my children and disappear upon myself entirely.

I think that is my most treasured dream at this point, is to just exist in solitude save for a few, my closest.

Yet... everyone has such a problem with someone wanting to be alone.

Part of me knows what I feel could be wrong, but the pull to it is so strong it seems exactly like what should be right for me.

In solitude I can no longer taint the souls of those who do not deserve it.

My reach is limited when I'm alone and it does two things - it frees people up to find someone better and it keeps them from my grasp.

On days like today it's hard to think, hard to form thoughts that make sense...

On days like today I simply want to exist, and sleep and nothing more than that.

I just want the day to absorb into itself and begin again tomorrow when maybe there's a different view waiting for me.






Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Peter Pan syndrome, Demisexuality and Kink. Part Two.

"I was depressed but didn't want to be left out or alone, so I did the hair, wore the clothes, and did my best as the little sheep that I was...."



-END OF PART ONE -


-PART TWO-

During this time, as I was hanging out in the most normal of circles, doing all of the normal things... well,  I inevitably got bored. Well, maybe not bored, but just sick of it all. The cattiness, the fights, the secrets and the boys...

I'm not sure if it was the realization of all the back stabbing girls did, or the exhausting routines they kept up with, or the constant boys talk, snide remarks and comparing ones selves to to others, but I had finally had enough of it all after a full year and a half... Then, I was presented with an escape.

His name was Joe. We all had met him one day while walking the neighborhoods. We'd get all gussied up, glossy lips and all and go walking about in the long hot days of summer...

Joe was different from boys that my trio of girls ever hung out with, and after meeting him that day, they mostly made fun of him once we were back chatting about at yet another sleepover.

I didn't know much more about Joe other than he was skateboarding through the neighborhoods and at that time, skateboarding was a pretty big things the boys were into.

We stopped to talk with him for awhile and he'd be going to our school next year... High School.

Ahhh I thought... A new person - who didn't know any of the annoying things that we all knew about everyone else in middle school. A new fresh person to figure out!

Joe held my interest, and for the next few days we saw him many more times and I was thrilled he was into video games, as Lea just couldn't stand them and teased me endlessly about my playing them.

This seemed like the perfect time for me to reinvent myself.. but I need a gradual move. I needed to see what Joe was all about. A guy, who didn't mind talking to girls openly and he was into my top three favorite games. I mean what could go wrong with just "hanging out" with a guy? He didn't even seem to be looking for a girlfriend, he was just always ready to talk and laugh and didn't try anything or make stupid sex jokes like every other 8th grade boy we knew.

As luck would have it, my girl group eventually broke off, Lea and I going off one way and Mel and Amy going theirs... and of course NOT without a big fight.

With Lea, I could always be more myself, so this was a bit more comfortable for me, and she happened to live right across the street from Joe's neighborhood...

I don't exactly recall how it all happened but a few more chance meetings and I suddenly had a new best friend.. Joe. Joe the skater boy.

Sadly that same summer, Lea hit me with a "We're moving across the country" and I prepared for that while still getting deeper with Joes crowd.

That began my big move to becoming "that girl" - Yeh, theres always a few. Those girls that ONLY hang with guys.

And "that" girl I became and I immediately felt at home.

I got in with Joe and his friends and suddenly could stop caring about all the stupid girl things. I rode skateboards, I filmed them skating, I took pics and played endless hours of video games with them yelling and tossing controllers on the floor...

I finally found my place... I finished out the rest of my summer hanging out with all of them daily. I said a tearful goodbye to Lea when she moved late August and continued on in a happy little pocket of life.

Until...

It was brought to my attention that Joe, this whole time... had a crush on me.

Insert sigh here

and not just Joe... but within out circle, and outer circle, there were two more...

I had to navigate this the best I could and thankfully, I did give Joe a chance, and was able to remain friends with Joe even after we decided that we were just too much like a brother/sister sort of relationship. That ended well and thankfully one of the other ones who had interest got a girlfriend later that year. I really just wanted my perfect little circle to stay just how it was. I wasn't really looking to start dating in High School.

So, still BFF's with Joe and my little gang, but there was one left who still was vying for my time...

Paul.

Now Paul, he was different.

He was dark, new to school that year too, and very quiet.

He peaked my interest, and sure enough I peaked his.

When I think back on the whole relationship in its entirety, even with him, someone I also sought out as well, it was clear that I still struggled with coming to terms with being a sexual creature from the start. Especially at a time where it was all people were beginning to talk about.

While I had an attraction to him, I didn't want or feel a need to pursue him until after we had been friends for awhile.

And even after beginning to date.. I was for sure no where near ready to start "doing things" with him.

Interestingly enough though, Paul had a different sort of way "doing things".

I felt like I was always guessing with him, but he kept me interested all the way even if some of his actions were a bit odd.

Paul liked being in charge, Paul also liked it when I'd do things he said to do, even if they were silly little things.
Paul also liked it when I'd playfully refuse... and while I never understood what any of that was back then, I see even the tiniest of power plays now as one of my biggest turn ons and clearly his as well.

We'd have hours of banter, teasing at times and heated discussions.

I learned quickly that Paul was very different from those boys I played around with while hanging out with Mel and Amy.

These were not "first kiss" feelings here. Sure I hd forced myself to feel those with a few boys in Middle School, but that never lasted long and I really just wasn't interested.

These were different feelings and one of the first times I felt like I even wanted someone to maybe touch me without me feeling awkward and or without me feeling like I just had to go along with it because it was what everyone else was doing.

Sadly though, Paul ended up pressuring me to have sex, and at the very young age of 14... I gave in.

That first time, as with most was not what I expected at all.. and I'd have to say the lack of feeling on my part was mostly my biggest regret beside the fact of even doing that at such an age.

All I could think about was, is this it? Does he like this? Is he done...

Even with all the feelings I had for him, all the interest sparked, all of our clicks... it was just completely uneventful. Awkward even as most first times are I suppose.

I remember feeling so let down afterwards.

Now Paul on the other hand thought it was amazing and since I wanted to be with him still, I acted on that.
I  didn't want to hurt our strong circle of friends as we had become "the couple" now... I also didn't want to lose his deep friendship that we had.

So despite whatever feelings just were not there for the "sex" part, I felt that it was better to have him in my life and all of the things it gave me, then to just call that all off because I didn't enjoy one aspect of it.

I mean it had a huge pay off. I had friends, I also had Paul, who did have me mentally stimulated and we also had sort of an odd way of working together.

I decided that I just had to play the part of the whole "sexy" side and learned to play that part very well.

Now, Paul and I actually dated for several years, and I did learn a lot, and yes.. I "learned" that even I could enjoy sex, but it wasn't usually first and foremost in my mind.

I think I really just kept writing that part off until it began to happen and it usually took a lot for me to get to those feelings for it to happen.

But when it did happen.. it was never what I'd consider normal from what others were doing...

I had a colorful relationship with Paul.. and for a high schooler, it was quite exploratory as well.

I had no clue about anything in a kinky realm back then, I just knew what Paul liked and let him lead.
I felt comfortable letting him lead and some of it.. peaked my dormant sexuality over time.

This was the first time I even had a small glimpse of sexual attraction.
The things we did, I thought about later on at night when I was alone.

Things that made me feel a certain way that I really just couldn't explain...
Things we did or I let him do that felt... right




-Better end this here, I've lost my time for writing.. I'll have to pick this up later -










Monday, January 13, 2020

Peter Pan syndrome, Demisexuality and Kink. Part one.

Recently I've been so muddled with thoughts that anything I had to do with a submissive/kink lifestyle has gone by the wayside.

I think I'd tucked it neatly away and assumed it'd stay put.
I've put on my conductors cap and began to plug away at dominating myself, my family and my life.

It's only been recently that I began thinking if that (That whole world) would ever become part of my life again once I was alone.

That's a scary thought, and a somewhat sad one.

This is a LONG one, so... if you want to read it.. grab a snack and a drink.




To say I believe that time is fleeting is an understatement, and to even think about restarting life in my mid 40s is completely another.

It's overwhelming... and makes me just want to stop in my tracks.

I'm almost certain that I can't do this at times.

If and when I ever become self independent will I want to explore companionship in any means?

Based on my last blog, I feel pretty set that all I want is to just be alone, but this weekend while I allowed myself to become immersed in music, I had a few memories of a time where I did in fact feel in a place to be accepting of love.
I quickly snapped the music off and tried to remain in my focus of self exploration in the realm of commiting to never be involved in that aspect of life again.

Sadly I realized that was hypocritical of me to say I wanted to be alone to focus on self exploration, when in fact part of self exploration could also include discovering feelings for another person again...

It's just... Finding another person in life is so complicated, and even IF there was an interest for a person like me... that interest is so complicated that I fear the other person would give up before it even started... then couple that with my want for one day maybe being close enough to someone to have that kink back in my life.

I honestly would surely just shirk away from that I think.. because coming to terms with even dabbling in that lifestyle in the beginning here was a lot of toe dipping and awkward.

For me to find someone that I'd even become comfortable with will be a long process.

For one, understanding and coming to terms with being Demisexual is a major factor here.
While many people this this whole Ace Unbrella is just another way for people to pull attention at being "different" I for one believe it to be a saving grace because it defines me to a T

For info on what a Demi is, click here to a nice little cartoon explaining it. Demisexuality 

Finally figuring out that I'm a demisexual and that there is in fact, nothing wrong with me has been extremely enlightening.

I finally feel ok with a whole part of me that I've shamed for years.

When I think back on it, I was far late in the game before I got my first realization of being "different"

LONG STORY WARNING!!!!

I think it was around the age of 12 when I started getting teased at home about it.

12 is an age where most girls were beginning to awaken and leave their play things behind.

I remember my mother yelling at me as I'd wake up, grab a bowl of cereal and rush outside to find the neighbor boys...

"You can't run off and play like that forever you know! You've got to grow up one day!" She would yell as I slammed the door.

I never knew what she was talking about until that next year.

Literally EVERY girl I knew began to change.

My very best friend, who also happened to be my cousin was one of the first to go.

My cousin and I were extremely close, closer than I was to my own sister.

My cousin was about 8 months younger than I was. My mom and her sister were also close and I was raised being with my cousin J since the moment she was born.

We were thick as thieves. Either the very best friends, or we'd fight like cats endlessly.
None of that mattered though because by the end of the day, we'd be begging to PLEASE just please let us spend the night together, we wouldn't fight and we'd be good girls... lol

Of course our mothers would oblige and either she'd be in my bedroom or I'd be in hers with one of us being exchanged in the morning.

We stay up late and talk for hours. We played, build secret forts in my closet, or sneak around her house in the dark pretending to be spies.

We were both very different though. She had a slew of barbies and ever accessory for them and I had Army men, dirt bikes, and baby dolls.

While I had my girly side, I mostly was a tomboy. We both loved roller skating and riding bikes though and playing with neighbor boys of course!
Many a night were spent playing ghosts in the graveyard, tag and hide and seek until the street lights came on in her neighborhood with a small group of kids.

But when we were approaching 13... My cousin and those boys all began to change.

I was the only one left behind, not even understanding what was happening.

That summer, my cousin began to care about what she looked like. She wanted to walk to the corner store all the time and she wasn't interested in buying candy anymore... She was into Make up.

Make up? *sigh* BORING!

She also began caring about growing breasts, wearing a bra and curling her hair... I was in shock!
" Ewww J! why would you want those?" I'd tease. "Boobs are so grosssss"

Luckily for me, I basically looked like a boy, I was skinny and flat chested with not a single hint of puberty about me... but J was different.

She was already to become curvy and noticed it.

I reluctantly went along with J's new found fun which was rather boring to me... this all consisted of washing her hair a lot, figuring out how to put on make up, bra wearing, bra stuffing and then... BOYS.

Suddenly she liked them and not in the same way that I did.
She wanted to "like like" them... I had no clue what that meant.

Even though she was younger than me, she was the one to explain just about everything there was to know about BOYS and how to get one.

I honestly didn't care too  much about it, in fact, when I was at my own home (which was basically  farm land and a large wooded area) that I only thought about boys as adventuring in the woods, making stew and mud pies with and going creeking with them.. I just saw them as "kids" and nothing more.

This was one of the first times I questioned why I didn't like boys. I mean what's to like?
J explained that they were "cute" and some looked better than others, didn't I see that?
She liked one especially and wanted to do all these things to make him like her.
The hair, the make up, the bra stuffing.. what was it all for? She wanted him to like her, and not just like her, but like her enough to KISS her...

OH my god I thought.. EW!

But as that summer grew on, I followed J's lead and did all the things she did.

I saw that when I came back to school and began 7th grade.. every other girl had been doing the same thing.
Luckily for me, I knew of one or two that was not that interested in it all.

As my cousin and I attended different school districts, mine more rural and her's more urban, I was exposed to less of the girly girls for those first few emerging years as she was.

I mostly kept to myself and a few slower closer friends.
I befriended a small mousy girl named Emily, who had a deep imagination span and we became fast friends.
Although we were turning 13, we still played with baby dolls, sticks, tree forts and poking around the creek beds.
She and I would still play in the realm of pretend world for hours on end.
It was nice really to fully be immersed in that and not have a care in the world.

The ultimate in Peter Pan syndrome I guess

But even that began to change.

While I struggled with my body beginning to change, I also became torn between two worlds.

I secretly began chest binding when I noticed the tiniest of bumps beginning and literally died of embarrassment every time yet another girl would talk about getting her monthlies.

I did NOT want that to happen to me and lucky me again, I was late to bloom and didn't have to worry about that for quite some time... but I had other things to worry about.

My quieter, maybe more "nerdier" friends began to filter away, as It was more and more apparent that simply based on my looks and somewhat silly personality, I was becoming more attractive to other people.

I'd heard it before, some from my cousin and some even from my own mother.

"Why do you hang out with those geeks!" my cousin would say, "You're hilarious and even ___ and ___ think so and they are older!" or she'd tell me "You could be so beautiful! You just need some work"

"You need to settle yourself with better people" my mother would tell me... "It's time to grow up"

I was at a loss, but being somewhat of a follower at that time, I took my cousins lead and cleaned myself up and became interested in becoming one of the "popular" girls.

It wasn't easy, but I made three new friends that next year in 8th grade.

J loved them of course, they were like her.

They all had poufy hair,  would spend endless hours at the mall and while everyone else around me finally accepted that I was growing up, quitting my childish ways and becoming that "teen queen" persona...But, I was feeling like I was caught in the worlds biggest lie of all time.

I was unhappy, but I began to just take stock in watching what everyone else was doing and then trying to emulate it myself.

If my new friends  Lea, Mel and Amy were into something.. I was into something... and it always seemed that whatever Lea, Mel and Amy were into, J of course already new about as well and yes, she was into that too..

From boy bands to clothing, hairstyles and shoes - they all knew what to do.

I felt like an alien

I was depressed but didn't want to be left out or alone, so I did the hair, wore the clothes, and did my best as the little sheep that I was....



-END OF PART ONE -